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11:11 a.m. - 2019-08-05
Alright Okay, So I'm 32 now.

I got fired on Friday and signed a Lease on Saturday and I was so fed up last night and the night before I decided to Smoke and Drink like I was living in Sunnyvale Trailer Park from Tpb I'm not even getting drunk anymore its more like and out of body experience like novacane for my consciousness. I'm too old for that shit. I spammed facebook with insane cussing and upper tier Batshit Spinster Auntie content. Oh fuck, opps. I am so tired today, tired and dizzy and I feel like I'm about to faint from HANDLING it IM SO SICK OF HANDLING IT. Its taking all of my energy to even write this piece of shit garbage update. I got really drunk and sent Iain a bunch of covers of AURORA's soft universe. I'm kind of impressed that I could do that by ear. all be it very rough. HE NEVER GIVES ONE FUCK so I called him a BITCH again and that WASNT NICE. I regret that too, and someone I met who I actually like and always want around, is always gone, cause he's trying to be the president of the galaxy or some weird shit, and the moment when he wiggles his little finger Thunderbolts roar from Heaven. It is really hard not to message this person, who is also totally fucking insane, kind of like me, but uh, well he's just better, but ya know that means it can get worse to, cause that's how all stakes operate? Let's just leave it at that. I think he's out traveling around on a horse across a desert or something cause this man is so extra he cant just be average or something, the damn gods wouldn't let him sleep. I wish that me an him could just go to bed and stay there. lol. I'm so lame anyway, that's enough reality though, let's get metaphysical now.

Basically my life is a series of "complex delusions" or um....uhh, well think of it like this, it's kind of like the movie ET where the alien keeps following a trail of reese's pieces right in to a closet. My perception has seemingly become centralized on following and staying current with a series of visions and inputs that I think of like "divine breadcrumbs" which I have apparently followed into some kind of closet, which is hopefully an elevator.

It started with a fever, in 2010? I was deathly ill. I was alone. I was having crazy fever dreams. I thought I was going to die. It was winter. I was sweating and freezing. I'd have a nightmare and a voice would say to me "wake up now! and look at the clock!"

those three digital numbers were running in orders, like a hacker was trying to reprogram my immune system with codes.

2:22, 3:33, 4:44, 5:55
this went on throughout the entire fever, maybe two days.

When I returned to health, it didn't stop happening, it's still happening.

Not long ago, I was reading a buddhist prayer from an app I found called "PLUM" I downloaded this because PLUM was also my stupid handle in stupid magical chatrooms and oh man did I spam my ass off.
I was reading this prayer outloud in the morning to Jason which I have never done, and when I got to a word I couldn't read, and he wouldn't understand I mumbled it. The moment I mumbled that word, the old radio from across the room, all the sudden started broadcasting an alarm, interrupting the programming, and I knew it was cause I had mumbled a very holy word. So, I went back to read the word correctly, and the alarm stopped as soon as I did.

I really cannot explain that, if it was just a coincidence, it was incredibly strange, and I think it had a deep personal meaning.

That word was Dharmakaya.

Definition of Dharmakaya. The Dharmakaya (; , lit. "truth body" or "reality body") is one of the three bodies (trikaya) of the Buddha in Mahayana Buddhism. Dharmakaya constitutes the unmanifested, "inconceivable" ( acintya) aspect of a Buddha, out of which Buddhas arise and to which they return after their dissolution.

Notre Dam caught on fire when I was listening to Gregorian chants and drawing in bed. I never listened to Gregorian chants and ofc the day I do, Notre Dam burns down. I was very sad, and like I do so often I prayed for peace in my soul

OUTERSPACE=inner space
two ends of one single straw

Ideally, I will at some point compile written explanations of my "visions" but rn now I'm low energy.

I have at one time accessed vision to the "master file"
I have communicated with otherworldly beings
I have Time Traveled and met people from other timelines
I am totally lost in space.....

I believe that something is happening with numbers and codes and the internet and wifi and data and that everything is somehow a simulation, like we live in the past of a planet that has been nuked and the ten smartest people who escaped the planet have been fucking with a time machine or something, idk that's not quite right but, time is not linear.

lately when I go back to read old posts of mine, its terrifying because they almost seemed to have accurately predicted the future.....

William Shakespears sonnet's make me cry, I lay in the grass feeling like I did when I was a child, exactly the same. The world is turning, my body is aging, my mind is fixed. I am suffering, I have been suffering, All I know is suffering and loneliness. It all seems so pointless, to be here. Im not trying to be dramatic but this stuff is serious. this is life.

Deep down maybe I just want to hangout on the beach alone. I dunno maybe you can be there if you promise not to fucking leave.

Time to smoke and maybe ill make some tea I feel like shit. A sauna? The stupid gym? Damn I'm scared, what am I to do, where does this trail of divine breadcrumbs lead? How can I make it before it's too late?

FIRED? help me understand inner peace internet The link says...... We have many different consciousness, such as the five sense consciousnesses and the sixth mental consciousness. These are like clouds in the sky covering our fundamental mind. Dharmakaya has two purities. Originally mind is pure. It is like gold that is hidden in the earth as ore. As we practice our negative thoughts will occur less and eventually they will be extinguished. When they are extinguished, that is the second purity. So one purity is by nature and one is through our efforts. The two purities are called the svabhavivakaya. The wisdom is called jnanakaya. Their union is the dharmakaya. The purity and wisdom are inseparable in the dharmakaya. Dharmakaya always has wisdom. When the negativities are eliminated then our wisdom will manifest. The dharmakaya cannot be spoken about or thought about, although here I am doing that. There are many great Indian and Tibetan scholars who have written down their understanding so we can have some idea of even though we haven't experienced it. There are many analogies for dharmakaya. One is deep sleep without dreams. In the daytime we have many thoughts and activities. But in dreamless sleep all of these are gone. Dharmakaya is beyond all conceptions. Another analogy is the death state. At the time of death the five elements dissolve. That state is close to the dharmakaya. Only the mental continuum remains. One goes through the stages of the white appearance, the red appearance, and the dark appearance and emerges in a state that resembles the dharmakaya. Another analogy used is a finger pointing to the moon. The various teachings are like a finger pointing to the moon. At the end of deity meditations, one dissolves the meditation into emptiness. This is an attempt to approach the dharmakaya. The sambhogakaya manifests from the dharmakaya. It is like the dreaming state. Even the highest level bodhisattvas cannot directly access the dharmakaya, but they can access the sambhogakaya and receive teachings from it. Ordinary beings cannot receive teachings from the bodhisattvas. So the nirmanakaya manifests, like the Buddha being born in India. The nirmanakaya is like like the waking state. At the time of death whatever deity you have practiced will appear to you in a dream. If you recognize the deity, you will not be reborn in the six samsaric realms. In the lower tantra you and the deity are separate and you beseech the deity. In the higher tantras there is no separation.


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