11:16 p.m. - 2012-03-31
letter to t
I need to say this right now. I need you to know that I am deeply sorry. I feel just terrible, I never meant to cause you any trouble. I do not recall typing that stuff on skype yesterday night at all, and it really freaks me out that I did. I woke up looked at it and wanted to vomit on myself, but I didn't. I just went and bought some marlboro blacks and laid in grass of my backyard looking up at the dismal gray sky feeling in all sorts of ways. Feeling small and immense, found and lost. Please hear me when I say that those words were not my own. I def have issues I need to work on. I def have a monster inside of me. This monster sucks it has a low IQ, and only comes out when I'm hurt. It comes to life in reaction to my pain. I know it is only trying to protect me, but it usually does this at the expense of others. In this situation it's at your expense, really though it hurts me more than it hurts you. It disgusts me that this happens. I am truly sorry, you do not deserve it's wrath, no one on earth deserves to be on the receiving end of my unhappiness. I am ashamed of myself for hurting you. How could I let this get so out of hand? You are precious to me, and are a wonderful person. I know you didn't mean to hurt me and I know you care about me. I just have really been getting mixed messages from you and I can't get my head around it. I've been hoping you would come around to talking about things with me thinking it would make it better, but I realize there is no magical cure coming. I do not hate you at all, quite the opposite. I cannot tell you how sorry I am and how disgusted I am with my actions. I have absolutely sub par coping skills. All I want is for you to be happy and well, smiling a lot, frowning not. I can see now that despite having the best of intentions, my behavior is counter productive towards achieving them. I cannot burden you any longer. I want you to be happy and I want the best for you, no matter what. I will always remember you, and I would like to be friends one day, but I am not capable of that yet. I don't have many friends, I never have and because of this I don't even really know how to be a good friend. So you're right maybe the best thing we can do is learn to be friends. I do need a friend. For now however I need time to forget the painful loss of the friendships I made and the life I loved. I have got to move forward. I have never had so much fun in my life as I did with you and realizing that I am shut out of that world hurts deeply. Knowing that all the music and all the laughter keeps going on without me makes me want to cry. I really never felt like I belonged anywhere until I fell into the med, I felt like I found somewhere I fit, and it was really nice. To think of my life without the colorful and amazing artistic people I have been privileged enough to meet really evokes sadness in me. I am alone again. It seems that I am always going to be. I am really lucky though to have had that experience and it will always inspire me.
I am choosing to leave you alone, because I don't want to keep hurting you, or keep hurting from feelings of unrequited love. That is just some 18th century garbage and I cannot get down with it. I promise you won't be bothered with my immaturity anymore. This is all I can do to keep you from my pain. I do worry about you and how you are a lot of the time so promise me you will take care of yourself as I promise I will. I don't want you to be sad, I don't want you to worry. I don't want to be your dark cloud girl. Sadly though I think we have somehow fucked everything up and become burdens to one another. I still don't understand how things got to be so rotten so quickly, it was a sudden and unexpected dark spiral. You will not be hearing from me anymore you don't have to worry about me calling you or sending you messages because I have to let go, right now. Despite my recent lack of composure I know that I am not a crazy psycho. Love will make anyone insane and the power of it scares the hell out of me. Forces I cannot control moving me around, yucky. Its more important to me than many people could begin to understand. Excuse me if this seems dramatic but I just need to speak my peace. I need to seek refuge in the uncontrollable forces of forgiveness and let my heart open wide to the boundless beauty that fuels everything in this universe. I love you, and that won't change, if you ever need to talk or whenever you feel ready to talk you can email me.
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