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1:15 a.m. - 2012-01-15
glebfust suxs ass
i know this is not how life is supposed to be. i feel like an alien on earth. i have trichotillomania for 13 years now, i am lost in my own pain prison. i am 24 live with my granny, after losing my job, and my boyfriend of 5 years dumped me, one day he said we were going to get married, and the next day he said he didn't love me anymore. of course i went into hysterics, almost killing myself, i began to drink and smoke daily, dropping out of community college and getting two f's. i've been seeing a new guy for 5 months. he has no job, no car, no sex drive, he does too many drugs. at first he was distracting me from my pain and suicidal thoughts. i broke my cardinal rule of not dating musicians. he is a musician. i never see him practice, and because of this i often feel like i am more of a musician than he is, as i play daily. he seems to be of the impression that my music is a joke, because i don't play lives, or because im a girl. he used to be kind of famous i guess, but now he seems so washed up. though when he is lip syncing and rocking his hair around i think he could really be something awesome. maybe my music is a joke, but he is making me hate musicians a lot, the whole scene is very very stupid, but they all think they're so cool, why? what's so cool about being cool? it's like these guys are all 15 in their heads, i was watching these guys clean a counter for the first time in damn weeks and the wussy-ness of their cleaning was making me sick, these delicate little circles, no elbow grease. no one works, even though we're all nearing thirty. doesn't anyone know how to be a man? it makes me angry that he doesn't have any urge to provide for me, or himself for that matter, and i'm upset that expects me to feed him and that i always have to pay for everything. i hate that he asks me for money for things he should not smoke, i hate that i can't say no. i hate when he smokes he smokes until its gone everytime, and then he looks at me and says, "whoa im so stoned." no shit sherlock what did you expect? I, being absurdly generous in nature, i have adopted a man child, and i feel like his mother, whom I feel sorry for, and don't understand how she raised such a weak minded man, why she keeps driving fifteen miles to give him money. his family is perfect, all of his sisters are very nice god fearing intelligent women. he hates the bible and yelled at me for saying something about angels. he burned a bible while i was passed out at a party. my constant party is me trying to drink out the emptiness, i know this is bad, and accept that i am a wounded animal. this guys constant partying has ruined his libido so im not even getting laid, he just watches porno, and probably sexts people, and thats too bad because i really really miss getting laid out. he makes me feel like i'm unnatractive, or like i'm not fuckable. hurts my feelings. my ex and i had the most amazing sex i often think about calling him up and begging for some, i miss him dearly i was a young fool for not treating him better. All of the shitty music i have to hear, of course i don't really even care for it, it makes me grind my teeth and want to punch myself, it really isn't what i'm into, it just sounds like mindless druggie crap. are those even songs? has anyone ever heard of melody? or singing? does it have to be screaming? are you white boys really adapting the rap monikers of "t-mobile?" and "samsung?" i'm actually starting to appreciate death metal because of how difficult it is and how committed you have to be just to shred like that. usually though i just pretend i think it's good, but some of these things are so bad. my father and mother were both musicians. my father had no job, my mother left him eventually. i feel like im repeating history. i was helping out at a huge two day show yesterday, and i was truly sickened watching these young girls swooning over him, and got completely hammered, because i'm jealous, and also because i feel disgraced by the female race, they have no idea how much it sucks to date the pretty snake man. then i started thinking why do i date this man, i am really lowering myself. he hasn't done much for me. one time he got so wasted he puked on two of my down comforters and broke my grandmas shower while she was out of town. while he was in the shower he looked at me like he was completely sober despite being blacked out, and he just yelled at me for the water not being exactly the right temperature. he used to be a junkie, but i wonder if he is still using. i feel drawn to him because of my hair pulling addiction and his drug addiction, i cant really blame him for his lack of control because i really know how it feels.

anyways i don't recall much bout yesterday but it was an angry drunk. i'm not allowed to go tonight......he told me i was too distracting. i was so excited to go because it would have been the only time i'd seen him perform on stage. i am a possessive lover. i was going to dump him today, because he woke me up at 10:00 despite both of our hellish hangovers, inside of a freezing attic full of piss in cups and rats, (where we stay because neither of us have our own place) where he looked at me and said "get up. leave." no goodmorning no how are you. i asked why? he said he needed his space. before i left he asked me for a cigarette, i threw it at him and flicked him off then left without a word. later he apologized, and i wasn't having it. i spent an hour cussing him out, realized he is my only friend, and that without him i am nothing but a band whore, and apologized. i wish i were a man, because they have all the power, they get to fuck and not get fucked. booze: i gotta get fucked somehow.

why not to date musicians.
1. they want all of the attention
2. they think they are perfect
3. everything will always be your fault
4. drugs
5. they will have no money
6. they are too self centered to notice your doings
7. they will ruin your reputation
8. they always raw dog and probably are like std dispensers.
9. you will die


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